It is difficult for me to understand, but I’ve had a really hard time working on this blog. It’s not because I don’t see it as important or that I don’t have a passion to help those struggling through issues in life. If I am going to be completely honest, I think it has more to do with the struggles in my own life. As I contemplate on what to share and when to share it, I see in myself a broken piece of trash. I see someone who, in all of his desire to help others, is broken inside. I see someone who is a hypocrite in everything that pertains to God and godliness.
I have been pursuing and serving God heavily for over a decade now and have been involved in some kind of full time ministry for nearly five of those years. I have been a part of many an outreach and seen hundreds come to accept Jesus. I have ministered one on one in personal conversations, praying the salvation prayer with many in this process. I have helped people in disaster areas, ministered to the homeless on the streets of major U.S. cities, preached to large and small crowds alike, but I am by no means perfect. In fact, I would say what Paul said, I am the biggest sinner of all! I have done more stuff than most. I have more junk than the average person crammed in my suitcase that compiles the baggage of my life. I have been motivated by self way more than I have been motivated out of a reverence for God. I am selfish; I lie; I’ve cheated; I’ve stolen; I talk crap about others; I get way more things wrong than I do right. Yet, through all of this, there is one thing I know, Jesus loves me! He loves me in all of my ugliness and disgustingness; He loves me when I am selfish; He loves me when I lie; He loves me when I cheat; He loves me when I have stolen; He loves me when I talk crap about others; He loves me when I am wrong or when I am right; through it all He loves me! How do I know? The song says it all, because the Bible tells me so. The Bible tells me that God loves me. It tells me that Jesus loved me enough to die for my sins while I yet still sin. He loves me enough to let me be the joy that was put before Him when He still chose the cross. I owe my life, my existence, my everything to Him and Him alone.
This doesn’t give me a right to sin. It doesn’t make it OK to be an idiot about the things of God, but what it does do is make a way for the lost and dying world around me to find the same peace and love in Jesus that I have found. If it is possible for me to make it, than anybody can make it. If there is such a thing as perfect brokenness, I am experiencing it right now. My big question isn’t, “How can a loving God send good people to hell?” but rather, “How can a loving God let me into Heaven?’ The answer is Jesus! Jesus is the reason that I have breathe. Jesus is the reason that I have life. Jesus is the reason that I live every day of my life fighting the sins that so easy beset me. Jesus is the reason that I commit my life to spread the Gospel, no matter what the cost.
Through this journey that I am experiencing, the one where God chose me as a vessel to spread the Gospel, I’ve learned how to deal with these times of self loathing. I have learned that when I hit the wall of doubt and unworthiness I turn to a scripture that has saved me from much unneeded pain. When I feel burdened and beat down by the crap in my life I turn to a scripture that puts it all back into perspective. When I feel the weight of the world falling on my shoulders I turn to a scripture that lifts the burdens of it all from me and puts it where it belongs, on Jesus. Matthew 11:28-30 “Come to Me, all [you] who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. “For My yoke [is] easy and My burden is light.” God may have asked the impossible when He told the woman caught in adultery to go and sin no more, giving us the same command, but He didn’t leave us without a way to succeed. He left us with two things that change it all, His blood and His Holy Spirit. Through the power of the blood of Christ and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit we can live up to Philippians 4:13 “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.”
If you’re struggling today with unworthiness and doubts that God can use you just look to Jesus. Look to Jesus and consider Him. Consider what He came to accomplish in this world and consider how He did it ALL for you! You are not alone in your battles, not in reality and not spiritually. God has given us a way to win. First He gave us Jesus, then He gave us each other. Let’s be the church of old and lift up those around us who struggle and those around us who are broken by the grip of sin in their lives. Let us live up to the calling of being Christs church and gently restore those who have lost their way and broken under the pressures of the world around us. Let us not add to the worlds problems by living in ourselves, but let us be the answer to the worlds problems by letting Jesus live through us.
1 thought on “The Sins That So Easily Beset Me”
Sometimes I look around and think, “God, why don’t you use them? They have it all together. They aren’t dumb and stubborn like me. They know what to say. They don’t wrestle with sin and fear and doubt and unbelief. They are what a Christian should be… unlike me”. But when I get out of my head for a second, I realize that “they” only seem to have it all together. “They” struggle with sin and doubt and fear just like me. God wants to use me for reasons that I may never comprehend, because, let’s face it- I’m not worthy. But neither are “they”. So maybe we should stop beating ourselves up for everything that we aren’t, and start focusing on everything that He is.