Have you ever been torn between what you want to do and what you know you should do? If you have then you know where I am coming from. Being torn is no new concept. Paul went through it in his walk with God. He said, “For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain. But if I live on in the flesh, this will mean fruit from my labor; yet what I shall choose I cannot tell. For I am hard pressed between the two, having a desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better. Nevertheless to remain in the flesh is more needful for you.” (Philippians 1:22-24) The most interesting part of Paul’s dilemma is that neither one is a bad choice. In fact, both decisions are good choices, to stay and work for God or depart and go to be with God. The biggest difference between my “hard pressed between the two” is that my choice isn’t between staying here or going to Heaven. My choice is between returning to school or going full-time into overseas mission work, neither one being a bad choice. The difficulty comes with how to choose. There is no pro/con list that would way one out over the other causing a bit of a struggle in my life.
The truth be told, I could list off a whole bunch of reasons why I am struggling, but what each and every reason boils down to is fear. Yup! It’s that simple, fear! I know your next question would logically be, “What are you afraid of?” And the answer would be…EVERYTHING! How will I survive? Where do I go? What do I do when I get there? And the biggest of all, What if I fail?! What if I fail? That has to be the biggest of all fears. What if I fail? Either way I go I could fail. In my mind that would be the end of me. It would! I just know it would, and there would be nothing left to accomplish then!
OK! Maybe not that doom and gloom. I don’t want to sound too melodramatic here, or like it would send me into an irreversible depression that would lead to suicide, but it would sting a bit! And by a bit I mean change my life forever and quite possibly make me question if God had ever called me to ministry. I know it’s not popular to share fears like this with everyone. I know that some would say it is a sign of weakness, but I don’t think that is true. A huge part of who I am and what I do evolves around being honest with others about what I struggle with most. I know before I came into ministry I thought everybody who was in ministry was perfect. I thought they never made a bad decision, messed anything up, or missed God’s direction. I really thought that if I could only get into ministry I could get it done and get it right. The longer I am in ministry the more I learn that this is just not true. The person you look up to today may not know the first thing about what they are supposed to do tomorrow. No joke! Big success today doesn’t mean continued success tomorrow.
I like to think about it like I do music. Everybody knows that a bands sophomore project is never as good as their debut work. Is it because they suddenly stink? No, it’s because they had all the time in the world to write, practice and record the debut stuff, but now suddenly there is a deadline for the second album. They have only months to do the second time what they spent years doing the first time. It’s the same in ministry. At first we get into ministry with years of vision behind us. We have spent months and years perfecting how we would fulfill this vision if we ever got the chance, and when it happens we jump right in an attack it. We make it look so much more simple that it is. We even feel like ministry is easy, then suddenly we are on our sophomore project. Now what? We have to come up with new ideas, or new variations of old ideas. We need to change with the times, stay hip to what is cool. We need to get online, into social networking, advertise, reach out to younger generations, etc. In doing so, we can’t help but feel like we sold out a little. Like it isn’t quite what we signed up for. Like maybe we would have been better off getting out of ministry before we are forced out under a blanket of disgraceful failures that cause embarrassment to all involved. There is a fear that people are going to find out that we am a phony, or a hypocrite, that maybe we don’t really know anything about the Bible. Maybe people will find out that we watch rated R movies sometimes or have full TV show seasons in our Itunes library. They may find out that we are nothing more than a struggling carnal Christian. And worst of all maybe they will realize that sometimes we are lost, confused, scared, and unsure of what to do next.
In the midst of all this craziness running through my head I am reminded of a scripture in Philippians 1:6 where Paul is encouraging the Philippian church, “being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete [it] until the day of Jesus Christ;” In light of this scripture it starts to make sense. It becomes a story better told with actions than with words. It becomes a life as a human living in a world that is not perfect. Living in a world that seems so out of control that many of us forgot what the point of it all really was. I am reminded that Paul’s encouragement doesn’t stop there. He tells us in many places that we can go forward, that we can win, that we can come out of this doubt, fear, and uncertainty victorious. He tells us in Romans 8:37 “Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us.” And just before that he says in Romans 8:31 “What then shall we say to these things? If God [is] for us, who [can be] against us?” He seems to be telling us that walking with God will not be easy and, to steal a line from an Army recruiting commercial, ministry will be the toughest job we will ever love. He tells us that despite all of this it is worth it. He tells us to never forget who is behind you and who has sent you and who is working on your behalf.
So what do I take out of this? Simple, no matter how hard it looks, no matter how impossible it may seem, and no matter how afraid I may be, I must go on. I must continue to work toward the vision that was put in me. I must create in me a no quit attitude. There is nothing that will stop me from fulfilling my destiny except my own mind, words, and actions . I am my biggest obstacle. I am my biggest enemy in my pursuit of those infallible words, “Well done my good and faithful son.”
So what’s next? It’s time to build in me a new approach. It is time to go head-on into my biggest fears and tackle each one as they come. I must make a plan and stick to it no matter what things look like. No deviating… no exceptions. I must P.U.S.H.- Pray Until Something Happens. Pray until I know the next step without doubt, without uncertainty. Fear will always come, but it does not always have to be a contributing factor. In fact, I have learned in my life that if one way seems to bring more fear it usually ends up being the very way that I need to go. I am not sure of too many things, but this I know, if I let fear win I will regret my life and accomplish nothing for God. I know that it won’t be easy, but nothing good in life ever is.
What is fear holding you back from? Do you have any steps that you take to overcome fear and push forward in your life?
2 thoughts on “What The!”
I know exactly what you are talking about here, so my comment is what I have personally received from God over the past year, and what I keep remembering when I seem to forget it…Number 1- It’s God’s vision to begin with. For God so loved the world He gave. His vision from the beginning of time was us. His deep desire to have an intimate relationship with us. Love gives…He looks and longs for opportunities to show Himself strong on the behalf of those who fear Him. His ultimate gift was Christ. But somewhere along the way, we seem to fall for the deception of thinking that God gives the vision, and then we take the baton and we fulfill it. When we begin thinking that it’s our vision, and we have a responsibility to fulfill it, condemnation easily steps in. It points out MY weakness, MY inabilities, MY shortcomings…The flesh profits nothing…John 15 Jesus said that apart from Him, we could do nothing. Our only concern is our own personal relationship with LIFE Himself. It’s a marriage, a union, that will automatically produce fruit. The kind of fruit that glorifies the Father. It’s not our own efforts, or our own holiness or godliness. Those only go so far. Like Paul said, to know Him…that is my one desire. To KNOW Him. Compassion is born out of our intimacy with God. I do not work for Him but allow Him to consume me. It’s God totally filling me, flooding me. Love Himself…THEN He is ABLE to do exceeding, abundantly above all that I can even ask or think, ACCORDING to the power that works in me. Power outflow is in direct proportion to our knowledge of Love. Love is the energizer, motivator, healer, provider, deliverer. Everything God ever did through Jesus was because of Love. Knowing this enables us to receive all good things, to expect good…to release good to the world around us. Know and protect your own personal relationship with Him. Desire Him. Delight yourself in Him. But first, know that He loves you first. Know the goodness that He desires to show you. That He is in pursuit of you. That He delights in you. That you are the son in whom He is well pleased. That He looks at you in Christ. That He got all of the crap out of the way through Christ, and you are a new creature. That He believes in you. That He did everything for you in Christ. See yourself the way He sees you, and you will see what He sees. Satan likes to single us out away from our new identity and fill our heads with who we aren’t, and how we can’t, and how we’ll never. He likes to amplify our weakness…but when we amplify Christ, we will see who we are NOW. Everything God has required us to do, He requires us to do in Christ. <3
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